Why I'm sharing OUR story...

OUR JOURNEY

We lost our daughter, Lottie at just 18 weeks old. I want to share our story to raise awareness about the reality of second trimester loss; this is a post I never thought I’d actually write. But it’s one I wish I could have found when I needed it most.

At 18 weeks, you're told it’s a late miscarriage, but that doesn’t reflect the truth of what happens. You’re induced, your waters break, and you give birth.

What to expect

I knew I was being induced but I naively thought that what would happen next is similar to what you experience when you miscarry in your first/early second trimester. Sadly this was not the case, we arrived at the hospital to be induced, and it was at this point we should have asked more questions, but questions were the last thing on our minds. My waters broke just 3hrs after being induced and what followed was an incredible amount of pressure, pain, discomfort. We were taken into the birthing room which was equipped with gas and air, towels and all the tools you expect in full term labour, this was when our midwife advised me that it was time; that Lottie was on her way and I would have to start pushing. A moment I had been holding back subconsciously delaying as much as my body would allow; after only a short while Lottie was born; tiny, silent, yet so beautiful.

Lottie’s Birth

Our midwife was incredible, assertive but full of empathy; she asked my partner whether he would like to be the one to cut the chord, again something we were none the wiser of. Lottie was gently wrapped in a crisp white towel, and passed over to us; we held her, talked about her features her tiny hands, tiny ears and her perfect little nose.

We were approaching 30 minutes after we had given birth to Lottie, and there wasn’t any signs that my placenta was making an appearance, this was something that was debriefed when we walked into the birthing room, I knew that this was the case but prior to being induced I had no idea, maybe it’s naivety or maybe I blocked any level headed thoughts from the process prior to having Lottie.

Once Lottie and I had been cleaned up, we made our way to the ‘Butterfly Suite’ a room created by an incredible charity Friends of Serenity, a beautiful safe space for parents navigating the loss of their baby, this space is separate from the other families on the ward who are having their babies, designed to allow you and your family the time and space you need with your baby after birth. We spent multiple hours with her; holding her, stroking her head, holding her tiny hands but also taking moments together whilst Lottie was in the cot next to us, we were undisturbed, and was given all the time we needed. During this time we had been given a memory box, which Friends of Serenity create, which includes the most incredible heartwarming keepsakes, one being a hand and foot print pad and paper, a knitted hat and blanket to wrap your baby in.

The decisions no one prepares you for

Hours had past and it was time for Sam and I to start thinking about leaving the hospital, it was here that we found out that we had to make the decisions around what happens with Lottie’s body, would we like a private service or would we want the NHS to arrange this. We had no idea what to do. So we went home. Now that walk from the hospital to the car park, empty arms leaving our little girl in the hospital is by far the hardest thing we’ve ever had to do.

It was in having to make this decision that we learnt that in these situations, a service and funeral for a baby or child under the age of 18 can be free, we opted to have Lottie cremated and our funeral directors thought and sorted everything, we didn't have to think too hard about what needed to happen these things had been covered by Lisa from Booths and Wolstenholme Funeral Services.

Why I’m sharing this

You’re probably thinking why am I sharing this? And I might not even do anything with this blog post, I might never post it but I know deep down that it’s the right thing to do, to raise awareness for those who experience this kind of loss in a ‘late miscarriage’ I didn’t know any of this, and I wish I had before we stepped foot into the hospital that afternoon.

So many couples, and families are going through second trimester loss, and yet the silence around it makes it feel like we’re the only ones. This space is for breaking that silence. Raising the awareness and helping other families like Sam and I prepare properly for this should they ever find themselves in this heartbreaking moment.

I remember when we lost Lottie before I was induced, I tried so hard not to google ‘what to expect when having a baby at 18 weeks’, then I decided I needed to know, needed to prepare myself for what to expect but there was nothing out there not even a glimpse of what to expect. Now I know every situation is different, no two women’s birth are the same, but all women in a late miscarriage after 15 weeks are required to be admitted to the birthing suite as the steps in the process will generally be the same.

I didn’t know what questions to ask nor did my subconscious want me asking questions I was scared to know the answer to.

A safe space for others

I am no expert, I am just someone who has first-hand experienced the lost of their baby and where I can help raise awareness and provide a safe space for others in similar situations I will do. If you have experienced or are experiencing loss like this, I am sorry, my heart goes out to you and your story matters.